2009 NFL Season Preview- with a Bears Focus

I just finished watching the 2009 NFL Season Kickoff where the Steelers took down the Titans in overtime, and I realized that I was probably the only person with a blog who hadn't written a season preview.

This is probably the only time you'll get me to admit this, but I don't know everything, and I know less about football than probably any other sport. I've never played it in any organized fashion, I can't throw a good spiral, I know very little about the intricacies of running an offense, so by now you're thinking that this is a guest blog, and I've let Charlie Weis write for me without mentioning that this wasn't my own work. But not true.

One thing about me when it comes to being a sports fan- I'm of the ridiculous opinion that every year is the year my favorite team is going to win the World Series/Stanley Cup/Super Bowl/Miss America Pageant.

Yes, that's Jonathan Toews's face. No, he cannot win Miss America, because he is not a woman, nor is he an American. Whether factual or not, it's still a disturbing image.

Being such a homer means that I am probably likely to pick the Bears to do very well without a second thought about it. This would be a huge hit to my journalistic credibility if I was a journalist, or had any credibility. I figured, however, it would be best for me to take a game-by-game look at the Bears to see how I realistically think they will do.

The Bears will go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl. OK great, moving on.

The first thing I'd like to point out is that I'm writing this article after midnight on Friday, September 11th, 2009. At this time, the schedule on ChicagoBears.com still doesn't list a score for the September 3rd preseason game against the Cleveland Browns. Let the record show- I am more up to date than the Bears' own website. And some of you say I don't update enough. Shame on you!

Now, on to the predicting!

September 13th: Bears at Green Bay Packers

First of all, I have an objection to the timing of this game. When you think Bears-Packers at Lambeau Field, you think of Frozen Tundra, the snow falling, the quarterback's breath visible in the air as he calls out the play, and most importantly

weather so cold that it allowed you to respect only three Packers fans. Instead, this game is the Sunday Night Football season opener in a September that's been warmer than most of August so far. I'm sure Bears and Packers fans alike would rather see this game at the end of the season.

This will be the first regular season action for Jay Cutler with the Bears, and the first regular season action for the Packers' new 3-4 defense that my sister's boyfriend has been rambling on and on about. The bigger story in this one will be the Bears defense vs Aaron "Say what you want but I'm still not as good as Brett Favre was when we shipped him out of town" Rodgers. In the end, neither defense will perform terribly well.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 34, Packers 28

Overall Record: 1-0 (1-0)

September 20th: Pittsburgh Steelers at Bears

The Steelers don't have a tremendously strong running game, so to make up for it they just pass more often with Ben Roethlisberger. Cutler can be a little prone to interceptions at times, and the Steel Curtain will make him pay for it.

FINAL SCORE: STEELERS 27, Bears 17

Overall Record: 1-1 (1-0)

September 27th: Bears at Seattle Seahawks

Seattle's starting QB Matt Hasselbeck is old, and we'd all make fun of him for it more often if Brett "Father Time" Favre wasn't still playing. I'm predicting a second quarter sack by Adawale Ogunleye knocks Hasselbeck out, Matt Forte has a big day, and Greg Olsen and Cutler get more familiar with each other for 2 TDs.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 42, Seahawks 20

Overall Record: 2-1 (1-0)

October 4th: Detroit Lions at Bears

The Tigers, Pistons, and Red Wings are teams that typically fare well against Chicago teams. Not the Lions though. I'm predicting 2 interceptions by Matthew Stafford. If you're on special teams for the Lions, you probably were a backup on your high school team, so I'm predicting Devin Hester returns a punt for a touchdown.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 47, Lions 19

Overall Record: 3-1 (2-0)

October 18th: Bears at Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan is pretty good. The Bears' secondary is not. Ryan and Cutler engage in a shootout, but Michael "The Burner" Turner becomes the difference maker late in the game.

FINAL SCORE: FALCONS 38, Bears 34

Overall Record: 3-2 (2-0)

October 25th: Bears at Cincinnati Bowties Bengals

It'd be unfair for me to take more shots at Ohio, but I'm going to do it anyway, because I don't believe in fair play. I also don't believe in foreplay (sorry ladies, but I've got a Law & Order re-run to watch later) but that's nothing you need to know about.

Chicago has deep-dish pizza, Chicago-style hot dogs, and Rainbow Cone. Cincinnati has Skyline chili, which looks exactly the same at the start and the finish if you catch my incredibly disgusting drift. So we win at food.

Oh, also we'll beat them at football too. Hey Bears fans, remember when we relied on Cedric Benson as a running back? Woof.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 38, Bengals 3

Overall Record: 4-2 (2-0)

November 1st: Cleveland Browns at Bears

Thank God this is a home game for the Bears. A visit to Cleveland is a sure-fire way to make yourself believe that dealing with the aftermath of all the things Rod Blagojevich screwed up just might not be so bad after all.

The Browns have made Brady Quinn their starting quarterback. But now that he's a professional, he'll probably suffer from the same setback as every other Notre Dame alumnus: talking about how great Notre Dame was. Have fun living those glory days, pal, all the way to last place in your miserable division. Tommie Harris and Lance Briggs each put Brady Quinn on the turf for sacks. Cutler gets so bored after throwing 3 TDs that he runs one in, just to see what it feels like.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 45, Browns 16

Overall Record: 5-2 (2-0)

November 8th: Arizona Cardinals at Bears

The Cardinals have really good receivers in Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, so they'll certainly give the Bears' secondary a day at the zoo. The Bears offense will fight back as much as possible, but the storyline will definitely be the varsity receivers against the JV defensive backs. Like the third Mighty Ducks movie, only football instead of hockey. Oh, and this time the JV loses.

FINAL SCORE: CARDINALS 35, Bears 31

Overall Record: 5-3 (2-0)

November 12th: Bears at San Francisco 49ers

The Bears and 49ers are alike in the sense that they didn't have a 2009 First Round draft choice join their roster. The Bears traded theirs to the Broncos for Jay Cutler, whereas the 49ers drafted wide receiver Michael Crabtree, who decided he didn't want to sign with the 49ers.

Are you serious? I mean, do you know how impossibly hard you have to try to make the Bears' front office look competent by comparison? WE MADE REX GROSSMAN OUR QUARTERBACK FOR THREE YEARS!

San Francisco won't be very good this season. And they won't be very good in this game.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 27, 49ers 12

Overall Record: 6-3 (2-0)

November 22nd: Philadelphia Eagles at Bears

This one is a little tough for me to call. Between questions about how Brian Westbrook will recover after offseason surgery and potential chemistry issues between Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick, by this game the Eagles should either really be clicking, or really be struggling.

I'm going with door number 2. The Eagles will keep things interesting with a couple of cool trick plays using both McNabb and Vick, but the Dolphins proved the Wildcat offense is only effective for so long.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 27, Eagles 21

Overall Record: 7-3 (2-0)

November 29th: Bears at Minnesota Vikings

Who needs Brett Favre when you've got Adrian Peterson? The Vikings sure won't in this one. Peterson's first breakout game came against the Bears defense, and here comes another one.

FINAL SCORE: VIKINGS 35, Bears 17

Overall Record: 7-4 (2-1)

December 6th: St. Louis Rams at Bears

Trivia question: without looking it up, who is the Rams' quarterback? Yeah, I didn't know it either. Running back Steven Jackson is outstanding and will be the only reason the Rams don't get shut out. He'll score twice, but so will Forte. The difference will be a TD catch by Olsen and 2 field goals by Robbie "Solid" Gould.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 27, Rams 14

Overall Record: 8-4 (2-1)

December 13th: Green Bay Packers at Bears

For some reason, Bears coach Lovie Smith has a better record against the Packers at Lambeau Field than at Soldier Field. By now the Packers will have worked out the kinks in their 3-4 defense and should be able to pull this one out. Cutler never gets going in this one, throws 2 INTs, and nearly punches Earl Bennett on the sidelines in frustration (OK not really, but I do feel like punching myself for picking the Packers to beat the Bears).

FINAL SCORE: PACKERS 27, Bears 10

Overall Record: 8-5 (2-2)

December 20th: Bears at Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens have a very good defense, but I'm predicting that by this game Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis will be in jail again (what, too soon?). Cutler bounces back from last week with another 3 TDs, making Earl Bennett look like a real pro, and mending the fence between the two of them. Brian Urlacher recovers a fumble for a TD, but acts really angry about it in his postgame press conference.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 35, Ravens 23

Overall Record: 9-5 (2-2)

December 28th: Minnesota Vikings at Bears

My lasting memory of Favre's last game at Soldier Field was how cold that day was. It really seemed like he was just throwing 3 incomplete passes as quickly as he could so he could go back to the sideline and stand near the heater again. You can't tell me that Minnesota having a domed stadium didn't factor into his decision a little bit either.

Adrian Peterson runs really fast. I wish his nickname were The Bus like Jerome Bettis, because I want to make some kind of reference to a bus that takes seniors to the doctor and things like that, because for the Vikings to win this game, he'll have to carry Brett "I'm going to have to call a timeout to take my blood pressure medicine" Favre around Soldier Field.

But he won't be able to. Even if the Bears defense has trouble stopping him at times, it becomes a little easier when he's the only effective weapon.

Cutler declares winters in Denver are for pussies, he'll throw for 350+ yards. Instead of going into the locker room at halftime, he'll build a snowman in the endzone, put a Bears helmet on him, and throw 2 TDs to him.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 27, Vikings 17

Overall Record: 10-5 (3-2)

January 3rd: Bears at Detroit Lions

The Lions won't go winless this season, but they won't beat the Bears.

FINAL SCORE: BEARS 45, Lions 28

Overall Record: 11-5 (4-2)

So with the Bears at 11-5, that'll be enough to secure a playoff berth. Let's take a really quick look at who wins the other divisions and the Wild Card slots.

AFC East: The New England Patriots will certainly win this one, unless Tom Brady gets hurt again. Their 12-4 record earns them a first round bye.

AFC West: LaDanian Tomlinson is no longer the dominant back he once was, but he's good enough to carry the Chargers to a 10-6 record, the only winning record in the division.

AFC North: The Pittsburgh Steelers suffer a bit of a SuperBowl win hangover, but they wind up winning the division with an 11-5 record.

AFC South: Sooner or later, Peyton Manning is going to have an awful year. But this won't be it, as the Indianapolis Colts infuriate me by going 13-3.

AFC WildCards: Kerry Collins isn't spectacular, but the Tennessee Titans' defense is good enough to carry them to a 10-6 record and a Wild Card berth. I'm gonna throw my good buddy Ken a bone and say that the dashingly handsome Mark Sanchez leads the New York Jets to a 10-6 record and a Wild Card berth.

NFC East: I hate Eli Manning. Hate him hate him hate him. I'm saying he's going to lead the New York Giants to a 13-3 record and a Divison Championship. If I'm wrong, I'm only going to hate him more.

NFC West: We've all heard about how the Super Bowl runner-up rarely makes the playoffs the following season, but nobody else in the NFC West is any good. The Arizona Cardinals take a 10-6 record into the playoffs in the hands of Larry Fitzgerald. Matt Leinart doesn't complain about not playing because he's getting more free time to practice his ballroom dancing skills from his USC days.

NFC North: Brett Favre is the kind of guy where if you tell him he can't do something, he's going to do it twice, just to spite you. Because of that, not only do I find it surprising he's never faced allegations of sexual assault, but he's also going to beat the Packers twice. The Vikings will also have an 11-5 record, but win the tie-breaker with the Bears because of their 5-1 division record.

NFC South: I know that they have no defense, but let's not forget that since I'm a Purdue Alumni,

this is my definition of exactly what a man should be. Drew Brees. Wonderful. Brees and the New Orleans Saints go marching in to the playoffs with a 12-4 record.

NFC WildCards: The Bears and Atlanta Falcons both make it to the playoffs with identical 11-5 records.

WILD CARD ROUND

AFC

(3) Steelers defeat (6) Jets

(5) Titans defeat (4)Chargers

NFC

(6) Bears defeat (3) Vikings

(5) Falcons defeat (4) Cardinals

DIVISIONAL ROUND

AFC

(5) Titans defeat (1) Colts

(2) Patriots defeat (3) Steelers

NFC

(1) Giants defeat (5) Falcons

(2) Saints defeat (6) Bears

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

AFC

(2) Patriots defeat (5) Titans

NFC

(2) Saints defeat (1) Giants

SUPER BOWL

Saints 35, Patriots 28

Predictions- sure to go wrong. Hopefully being a total homer

won't come back to bite me too hard.